This Is How You Become The Fungi At A Party

At that moment, Salinger remembered just what happened after he got into the catnip last night.

There are several ways to become the life of the party. In my younger and single days, I achieved this through bringing my best buddies along: Jack, Jose, and Captain Morgan. Now that I’m older and married (translation: boring), I up my game through nummies.

Yeah, I said it. NUM. MIES.

The problem is, most of my appetizers in the past have consisted of something meat related, in small, Swedish, and sauced variety, so for the most recent Sunday dinner that promised to be a meat and gluten bonanza, I needed to work my usual magic to not only provide myself with something I could eat, but once again prove to my family that vegetarian food can be, y’know, delicious.

This is what ensued:

Never has so many shades of brown looked so fiendishly edible.

And this was my family’s reaction, as retold by cats:

I’m shocked, SHOCKED to find out there is no meat in this appetizer!

Oh no, she DIDN’T…put any meat in this.

I can tell you want to blow your peers away with this too, so take a few minutes out and make:

MUSHROOM CLOUDS OF QUINOA

RAW MATERIALS:

1 pound Baby bella or cremini mushrooms

2 cups cooked quinoa

1/2 medium red onion, finely diced

1/2 green bell pepper, finely diced

1 tbsp olive oil

1/2 cup mozzarella cheese (substitute Daiya cheese for a vegan version)

1/4 cup freshly shredded Parmesan (substitute cashew “parmesan” for vegan)

1 tbsp dried Italian seasoning

1-2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS:

Preheat oven to 375°.

Create the appetizer housings: Remove the stems from the mushroom caps (they snap right off with a little pressure). Finely chop and set aside for the stuffing. Now for the insanely fun (translation: tediously mind-numbing) part: Using a small spoon, scrape the ribs gently out of the mushroom caps to create a small “bowl” in which to place your stuffing (once it’s created, of course). Set aside on a lightly sprayed baking sheet.

Creating the yummy center: Cook quinoa according to the package instructions (quick shortcut: you can do this in a rice cooker, and just like it’s grainy friend, quinoa also cooks at 2 parts liquid to 1 part dry grain. Use vegetable stock instead of water for a flavor boost). Turn out quinoa into a medium mixing bowl and fluff with a fork. Meanwhile, heat your olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add onion and green pepper, cook until it starts to become soft, about 2-3 minutes. Add chopped mushroom stems and cook for a further 3 minutes. Add Italian seasoning, then salt & pepper to taste. Remove from heat and fold into the quinoa until thoroughly combine.

Arming your flavor bomb: Spoon approximately one tablespoon of the stuffing into each mushroom cap (add more or less depending on the size of the caps). In a small mixing bowl, mix mozzarella & Parmesan (or Daiya & cashew cheese) with red pepper flakes and sprinkle across the top of all the caps.*

Bake for 15 minutes. Allow to cool slightly and serve warm. They will disappear in approximately .000001 seconds.

Don’t like mushrooms? No problemo! This same filling works just as well in large jalapenos, bell peppers, or tomatoes.

Now party on, dudes!

—

* Cool tip: don’t worry about cheese falling between the mushroom caps. They’ll create sweet cheese crisps in the oven that you can break apart and place on top of your mushrooms for an extra pop.

My Cookies Will Kick Your Cookies’ Ass

Salinger Sez, “Oh noooo she didn’t…!”

My cat is often thoroughly appalled by my bad language. Being named after an author, I’m sure he thinks that I should be expanding my vocabulary. Or, as my dad would say, “Here’s what the cat is thinking: ‘Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’.”

But this post isn’t about my cat. (Or IS IT????) No, it’s about these little gems:

A cookie moms can give to spawn for breakfast. Seriously.

You are about to hear the greatest recipe title, guaranteed to make you shed a tear of joy and possibly inspire you to send me money.* Or not. I don’t want to oversell this:

OATMEAL CINNAMON BANANA BREAKFAST COOKIES

Breakfast. COOKIES. These are also good whether it is the breakfasting hour or not; totally not going to judge you. Much.

BONUS: These are gluten free, vegan, and have no sugar. AND THEY TASTE GOOD. I am totally a witch.

Want to prove me wrong? Make these, eat two, and call me in the morning to apologize:

UNREFINED NOMS

1 1/2 cups gluten free rolled oats (like these)

2 large, ripe bananas

1/3 cup ground pecans

1/2 cup (total) dried fruit, cut to a small dice (I like using Craisins and Turkish apricots)

2 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp nutmeg

2 tsp vanilla extract

CONCOCT YOUR FLAVOR BOMBS

Preheat the oven to 350°. Spray a baking sheet with coconut oil (if you can find a compressed version, or rub with 1 tsp of the jar stuff. Worst case scenario: Pam. It’s easy to find and cheap, just how I like my men. Wait, what?)

Grind your pecans and set them aside in a large mixing bowl, before slicing your bananas to gooify (a technical term) in your food processor, such as I did with the Banana Ice Cream.

In the ground pecan bowl, add your rolled oats, chopped dried fruit, nutmeg and cinnamon. Mix with a spatula until everything is coated in the cinnamon & nutmeg. Add the banana goo and vanilla. It will look something like this:

Before being buried in delicious and nutritious goo.

Potassium lake! I mean…nutritious vegan fruit binder.
That…doesn’t sound any better, does it?

Stir the banana & oat mixture until thoroughly combined and forms a “dough.” If it’s at all dry, add more pureed banana – this should be a bit wet before going in to the oven.

Drop rounded tablespoons about 2 inches apart on the cookie sheet (these do not puff up or spread out, fyi, as there is no leavening agent in this recipe) and bake for 15-18 minutes.

Cool for 10 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely. Or eat those puppies hot with a cold glass of almond milk.

SHEER. HEAVEN.

And Happy Friday!

—

* Not that I’m, y’know, asking, but it would sure be nice.

Recover From a Meat Coma… Or, How To Party Like A Vegan Rockstar

And your name doesn’t even have to be Morrissey. Because, really? No.

Seriously, just looking at the meatballs from Monday is making me food coma sleepy and dull, when normally I’m annoyingly bright eyed and bushy tailed. Sarcastically, sarcastically bushy tailed.

And when I’m sleepy and dull, there are few things in this world that will pick me up and feel all right again. One of them is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The other one is this dip:

It’s like hummus, but Italian and better.

What is this wonder, you ask?

Why it’s…

NOTMMUS

(See what I did there?)

Yes, this is a bean dip, but it doesn’t have the usual garbanzos or tahini, so it’s not like I can call it a hummus, but my OCGP did correctly peg it as “hummus adjacent,” so Notmmus was born. Here’s how you can bring it in to being:

EDIBLES & AMOUNTS

1 can Great Northern or Cannellini beans (15 ounces)

1/4 cup sun dried tomatoes + oil (in other words, get sundried tomatoes packed in oil and use that delicousness later on…we’re coming to that)

2 cloves roasted garlic (see Veggie Lasagna recipe for instructions)

1 tbsp fresh lemon juice

1 tbsp Sriracha (or a bit less, if heat is not your thing)

2 tbsp dried Italian seasoning (also known as a mix of oregano, marjoram, thyme, basil, and sage. At least, it is in my world)

2 tsp red pepper flakes

3-4 tbsp water

THE PATH TO PUREED GLORY

In a medium fry pan, heat the oil from the sundried tomatoes.* Once the oil is heat, add the drained and rinsed beans, plus 1 tablespoon of the Italian seasoning. Heat through, about 4-5 minutes. It will look glorious, kinda like this:

Damn this interwebs’ lack of scratch and sniff!

Important safety tip: Do NOT (repeat: donotdoNOTDONOT!) put the hot bean and oil mixture in your food processor. It will explode and this is bad (in theory). Let it chillax and cool down for at least 15 minutes before proceeding.

Ok, now that you’ve waited oh-so-patiently, pour the bean mixture into your food processor, along with the other tablespoon of Italian seasoning, the red pepper flakes, and the Sriracha. Blend until mostly smooth. Add water, a tablespoon at a time, until you reach the desired consistency (a thick paste. Mmmmm, paste).

FYI: it will have a slightly grittier (or in foodie terms, “rustic”) texture to it, but again, this is Notmmus, not that other stuff. Tastes great warm or cold and I find it most satisfying with raw veggies like celery, carrots, and cucumber.

So remember kids, any time you need to recover from some meat eating, here’s your go-to:

This magically erases all the guilt I’ve felt from consuming that 54 ounce ribeye – thanks GCEI!

—

* Comes to about a little more than a tablespoon. Handy dandy tip: if you put the jar in the fridge, the oil becomes basically solid. Scoop out your quarter cup, and let the oil melt as the pan heats up. Once you start hearing a little sizzle from the tomatoes, you can add the rest of your ingredients.

Sometimes, It’s A Carnivore’s World

There are times when I have to take a break from only making veggies. These times are usually the result of me taking pity on my husband and thinking to myself, “Perhaps I can whip something meat related that will not send him running to get a hoagie comprised of approximately five million calories of processed Italian meat.” Or, as he refers to it as, delicious.

Also, I still have an egregious amount of meat in my freezer leftover from my “partaking in meat before I knew THAT’S what was making me feel like ass” days. I can’t exactly donate it to a food pantry (even though I’d like to) because of its perishable status, so instead I go into Tasmanian Devil-like cooking whirlwinds and just try to get some of that meatiness out of my freezer and into my husband’s belly.

Here was the result:

Yes, Virginia, apparently it is possible for chickens to have balls.

Oh, that’s not pretty enough for you Foodie McFoodbloggiefooderson? How about…

That’s how chicken meatballs roll. See what I did there?

…NOW?

BOOM. That’s what I thought.

To be fair, neither of these are best, most appetizing pictures of my food, ever. However, they are the only pictures I could get of these little guys before they were inhaled by my husband. Deal with it. Then make them.

SERIOUS POULTRY CAJONES

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts, raw, approximately 6 oz each

1-2 boneless skinless turkey thighs, raw, approximately 8 oz total

1 large red bell pepper, finely diced

2 eggs, beaten

1/2 cup bread crumbs

1 tbsp garlic powder

2 tsp onion powder

2 tsp cayenne pepper

1 tsp celery salt

salt & pepper to taste

EASIEST. PREP. EVER.

Grind your poultry meat. Don’t have a grinder? Noooo problem. Cut the meat into chunks and grind it in your food processor. Voila: poor man’s process(or)*. FYI, if you don’t want to go through the painstakingly knifework of doing a great fine dice (and lord knows I’m one of those lazy people), you can drop quartered pieces (minus stems and seeds. ALWAYS MINUS STEMS AND SEEDS) into the processor separately from the meat, and a few quick pulses will make short work of that bell pepper. Just make sure to thoroughly wring the juice out in a paper towel, or through a fine mesh strainer, otherwise your balls will be too soggy.

And nobody likes soggy balls.

In a large mixing bowl, dump all of your ingredients. Now, do me a favor, don’t be a pansy, and work all that goodness together with your hands. Sure, you could use a spoon or a spatula…if you want uneven pockets of flavor. Our fingers are good for so many things. This is one of them.

Balls should be about a 1/4 cup each. I have no idea if that’s accurate, but it sounds right – what I normally do is drop a smallish pinch in the palm of my hand and roll it until I can see if it’s slightly larger than a golf ball. If it is, hooray! If it’s smaller, add some meat. If it’s starting to feel heavy or doesn’t fit easily into the center of your palm, it’s too big. #stoptryingtocompensate

APPLICATION OF FIRE TO PRODUCT

Pre-heat oven to 375°.

Heat 1 tbsp of olive oil in a skillet or on a flat griddle over medium heat. Brown meatballs (3-4 minutes per side), then transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes. Remove and rest for 5-10 minutes before serving.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

* Last night, I was rushed, so I just threw together a meatball sub for the Hubster, on a hoagie roll (buttered and garlic-fied, of course) and topped it with some leftover homemade marinara that I had in the freezer and a generous helping of mozzarella cheese. Apparently it worked out well because it disappeared within 10 minutes.

* Plain ol’ spaghetti & meatballs

* With red-pepper cream sauce (which I’ll post as soon as I figure it out)

* Use tiny versions (half the size of above) to add to Albondigas or Italian Wedding soup. Cooking times will be shorter, as it will not take as long to cook through.

* Have a delicious, messy, meatball fight

And soon, back to our regularly scheduled vegetarian programming…

—

* Little joke for all my film production friends. Nerd, I am one. Yes.

 

Barbeque: I Will Make You My Vegetarian Bitch.

“Will you make something for {insert major family event here}?”

The above sentence is something I hear from my mom almost as much as, “Have you paid your bills?” To be fair, the day I pay my bills also happens to fall within the same 24 hour period which is known in my neck of the woods as Family Dinner. I hear in other parts of the country, they call it “Sunday.”

So a few months ago, my mom, still very confused about my newly enforced vegetarianism said what anyone would say in the same situation, “Well I’m going to have your brother grill chicken for  Mother’s Day. What can you make for everyone that you can also eat?” Hmm. Thanks, Mom. This was Saturday night and I had to be at my parents’ house the next day at noon. Ooooookay…this needs a solid plan. My plan was to sleep and worry about it in the morning. It worked like a charm, too.

If there’s one thing that goes with grilled chicken, it’s vegetable skewers and grilled red potatoes. Simply, here’s what you do:

FIVE MINUTES TO VEGETABLE DELIGHT

2 red bell peppers, cut into chunks

2 green bell peppers, cut into chunks

2 yellow or orange bell peppers, cut into chunks

1 medium red onion, cut into chunks and layers separated

2 bulbs of garlic, all cloves separated and peeled

8-16 ounces of baby bella mushrooms, wiped clean and stems removed #screwbuttonmushrooms

2 tbsp olive oil (I like using basil infused oil for this)

2-3 tbsp pork or beef spice rub (say WHAAAAAAT? Yep, it’s not just for meat anymore, bitches!)

PREP: After chopping your vegetables, toss in a large mixing bowl with spices and oil and mix with your hands until thoroughly coated. GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY. It’s dirty with flavor, baby, yeah. Thread on to skewers (I love these flexible metal ones from Bed, Bath, and Beyond) and throw on the grill for about 10-15 minutes. Voila. It’s really that simple.

GRILLED RED POTATOES

6-8 red potatoes, sliced into 1/4″ rounds

2 tbsp kosher salt

3 tbsp olive oil

1/8 cup chopped fresh dill

1/8 cup chopped fresh thyme

PREP: After slicing your potatoes, spread them out on paper towels and sprinkle with salt (this will draw excess moisture out of the potato and, I’ve found, makes for a crispier grilled potato). Leave about 20-30 minutes. Wipe off excess moisture, dump the potatoes into a Ziploc bag, along with the olive oil, dill, and thyme. Shake vigorously like, I dunno, how your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard or something. Once this deliciousness is evenly distributed, place in a single layer directly on the grill, about 6-7 minutes per side (you want grill marks). Remove from grill and serve immediately. Or later. But they taste better hot.

So, after my vegetable grilling detour, let me get back to the matter at hand: Mother’s Day. Sunday morning. WTF was I going to make?

I opened my fridge and saw the most glorious sight I ever did see: a bag of badass brussel sprouts. Yeah, that’s right: BAD. ASS. These tiny little cabbage-y nuggets of glory are not just for torturing kids with anymore!

Now, in case you didn’t know, brussel sprouts actually grow on stalks that need to be harvested and actually do not come pre-packaged into frozen plastic bags like all of our mothers led us to believe. It was a shock to me too. The first time I actually came across these little guys ON THEIR STALK, I bought it for the sheer novelty factor. And to freak out my husband (it worked). The first time I cooked these up, I steamed them in a bamboo basket, then finished them off with season salt and shredded Irish cheese. OH HELL YES. But I didn’t have Irish cheese that day. Dammit.

But at least I had the brussel sprouts. And this harvest grain mixture from Trader Joe’s. Oooh, and marcona almond pesto. A frozen bag of pearl onions, huh. Diced red pepper? Sure. Vegetable broth. I can work with this.

I packed it all up and dashed off to the parental homestead, brimming with false bravado.

“Do you know what you’re going to make?”

“Pfft, of course I do! Do you really think I wouldn’t plan this, Mom?”

And then this happened:

You can’t handle all this deliciousness. Unless you want to. And believe me, you very much want to.

Not bad for pantry shopping, eh? Here’s how you can recreate all this awesome into your own impressive side dish:

WARM COUSCOUS & BRUSSEL SPROUT SALAD

1 package of Israeli couscous – 16 ounces (see Harvest Blend link above for the mix I like that also includes orzo, red quinoa, and red lentils)

1 quart (32 ounces) vegetable stock (or broth)

1 pound fresh brussel sprouts, out leaves and stem removed, quartered

1 package frozen pearl onions (10 ounces)

1 red bell pepper, diced

8 ounces prepared pesto

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

2 tbsp olive oil (again, I like to use my basil infused here) + 1 tbsp

salt and pepper to taste

ATTACK!!

1. Leave pearl onions out to thaw approximately 30 minutes before starting.

2. Remove the very outer leaves of your brussel sprouts and cut off the toughest end of the stem. Discard the refuse and quarter the brussel sprouts. If you insist on using frozen, you can (and it works; it’s just cheating), but make sure you leave them out to thaw, along with the onions. Dice red pepper.

3. Heat 1 tbsp of the olive oil in a dutch over over medium-high heat. Once shimmering, add your grain mixture and coat it in the oil, stirring constantly to toast it slightly (1-2 minutes). Add vegetable broth and stir to keep any couscous sticking to the bottom. Bring to a boil and REDUCE THE HEAT to medium for 10 minutes, covered. After you keep your damn hands off of it for that amount of time, lift the lid to check how much liquid has been absorbed and stir the grains. The liquid should be about 2/3 gone now (meaning it’s looking thick and poofy, but still more like a stew than finished grains). When you see that, TURN OFF THE HEAT and cover it up. It will retain the heat and continue to cook/absorb the liquid. LEAVE THE LID ON. <– Got that? ON.

4. While the grains are chilling out in their vegetable hot tub, heat the remaining olive oil over medium heat in a large skillet. Add onions and salt, and leave it! LEAVE IT! I know letting things cook on their own is scary, but just do it. It will sizzle and smell delicious, and people will assume you are a culinary genius because it already smells so good. But it’s onions, olive oil, and salt. The fools. Let them go for about 4-5 minutes before stirring; they should be just starting to get brown. Add your red pepper and brussel sprouts, further salt and pepper to your taste (spoiler alert: you won’t need much more salt, if any). Cook, stirring, for about 2-3 minutes. Add 1/3 cup water to the skillet and cover. Let steam over medium-low heat for 5-8 minutes, depending on your preference of doneness. Hint, hint: IT SHOULDN’T BE MUSH. Vegetables should still taste a little melty on the outside and crispy on the inside. I know that’s counter intuitive, but this isn’t a french fry. Different kind of love needs to be shown.

5. Mix 4 to 3. Add pesto and balsamic vinegar. Stir until it’s evenly incorporated. Serve warm (can also be stored overnight and served cold the next day, and let me tell you – it’s still freaking great).

Just as a reminder, this will be the outcome of this work:

I’m happier, you’re happier. Your family/friends/pets are happier. This is the first step towards world peace, my friends.

To this day, my mom still doesn’t know that I threw this together on a wing and a prayer with ingredients I found ten minutes before driving to her house. Well, now she will. If she reads this. Dammit.

And I’d just like to note: the skewers, potatoes, and couscous salad? DEMOLISHED. The chicken? Not so much.

TAKE THAT BARBEQUE!

No Vacation Like A Vegas Vacation

So I should have been writing and cooking this weekend. Knowing that I had to work, I did what every hard-working American woman does: I said, “Screw this!” And went to Las Vegas for the Star Trek Convention instead.

The above is the easiest meal for a vegetarian to procure in Sin City.

You want a steak in Vegas? You. Are. GOLDEN. Seafood? Rock it out. Chicken, squab, hen, duck, quail – you are on Easy Street. What does that leave for me? Italian! Ooooh, wait. I get sick on gluten.

Salads and eggs. That’s what’s available. Until 3/4 of the salads have walnuts (deathly allergic), and every fruit salad has melon (double deathly allergic). *FACEPALM*

And then I found the most magical place on Earth: Slice of Vegas People: there is an entire VEGAN menu (but I still totally had real cheese. Please). Not only was their vegetarian curry pizza delicious, but they have the best (THE BEST!) gluten free crust I’ve ever tasted. Mind BLOWN.

The only thing better than knowing I get to go back there next time we decide on an impromptu vacation, but they own another restaurant: Hussong’s. And they have an entire vegetarian and gluten free menu too!

I think I may just shed a tear…and this time not because of the money I left in the slot machines.

I Prefer Mine Cruelty Free, As Well

I will personally inspect each beer paddock to make sure every IPA, stout, and lager is being treated humanely.

Some People Say, “I Love You.” I Say, “Do You Want Me To Make Deviled Eggs?”

Treats, ready to be dispensed to my in house OCGP.

My husband is many things, but chief among them is “Official Culinary Guinea Pig.” The OCGP, as I like to call him, is a highly useful creature in our home, if for nothing else other than to reassure me that whatever I’ve whipped up is sufficiently tasty. Or, at least, won’t poison anyone. If you don’t have an OCGP in your household, I highly recommend you find one post haste. It doesn’t have to be a significant other either, and in fact, many people prefer their OCGPs to not have such finely tuned sarcasm meters, like mine does. In this case, dogs are great substitutes. Never use teenagers (I find their feedback data to be highly suspect).

Now, to convince said husband to continue being my OCGP, I occasionally have to feed him treats. And if there is one thing he goes nuts for, it’s deviled eggs. Don’t ask me why. For some reason, this 1950s appetizer staple is bribe enough that I can usually get away with feeding him all sorts of different experiments for long stretches of time, and if he ever balks at trying something, my canned response is usually, “Well, if you don’t like it, I’ll just make you some deviled eggs.”

Of course, his answer is almost always, “Will you make me deviled eggs, anyway?” and I usually cave and say yes, because, hey, I love him, and I like to keep my OCGP happy at all times.

And because, if there’s one thing the world needs, it’s another deviled egg recipe. Try this one out on your OCGP and let me know how it goes:

INGREDIENTS:

12 hard boiled eggs*

1/4 cup Greek yogurt

1/4 cup dijon mustard (I love stone ground)

handful of fresh, chopped dill (roughly equivalent to 1/4 cup, or 2 tbsp dried)

4 hot and sweet pickle chips, finely diced + 2 tbsp juice

1-2 tbsp Old Bay seasoning (it’s not just for seafood!)

1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

2 tsp ground mustard

Salt and pepper to taste

Paprika, for dusting

MOVE INTO ACTION:

This may seem obvious, but make sure you’re starting with cooled, hard-boiled eggs.*

Split all eggs lengthwise, dividing the whites and yolks into two identical halves. Scoop out the yolks into a medium mixing bowl and let the egg white cups hang out on a plate until they’re ready to fill.

In a medium mixing bowl, mash the yolks until it resembles very small bread crumbs. Add the finely diced pickles, dill, and all the dry seasonings (Old Bay, ground mustard, salt & pepper). Mix with a fork until thoroughly combined – not only does this look rather pretty, but it ensures that the flavor and spice is distributed evenly, with no uneven pockets of flavor. Add yogurt, dijon (or stone ground) mustard, and Worcestershire. Mix well and gradually add pickle juice until you reach the desired consistency (it should be thick, but creamy and smooth).

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:

*BOIL THE PERFECT EGG

You know what sucks? Gray yolks. They taste rubbery, they look gross, and no one wants to eat gray food. Friends do not let friends overboil eggs into an inedible rubber ball. Oh, you don’t like hardboiled eggs? I guarantee it’s because you think all eggs, regardless of cooking method, turn out this way. You are a sad, distrustful human, and I am here to reinvigorate your faith in culinary humanity. Or something.

First, you need a LARGE pot for boiling water. For a dozen eggs, I like using a 12 quart stockpot (convenient math – 1 egg per quart. This is the only math I know how to do).

Place the eggs gently (as opposed to roughly) int he bottom of the saute pan and cover with cool water. Make sure you fill the stockpot a good 3/4 of the way (don’t just barely cover the eggs). You want enough room for them to roll around and swim without bumping into each other.

Heavily salt the water to season and add roughly 1/3 cup of distilled white vinegar. I still haven’t quite figured out the black magic of the vinegar yet, but all I know is that ever since I started using it to boil eggs, the whites have been more flavorful.

Place the stockpot on the stove over high heat. Step away from the water. Remember, a watch pot never boils (well, it does but it takes forever, it’s really boring, and there has got to be a glass of wine or a cheese plate somewhere with your name on it).

At some point in the future (usually about 10-15 minutes, depending on how much water you have and how high “high heat” is on your stove), the water will boil. HOORAY! Now for the hard part. TURN OFF THE DAMN HEAT. Wait, what?

“Bu…bu…but the salmonella! The bacteria! Raw eggs are poison! THE CHILDREN! OH WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!”

Relax, Chicken Little (ha…chicken references. See what I did there?), it’s going to be okay. Turn off the heat, cover the stockpot with a lid, set a timer for 15 minutes and walk away. The water will retain enough heat to thoroughly cook/hard boil the eggs without turning them into Superballs.  Once the alarm goes off, transfer the entire (full) stockpot to the sink and run cold water over your little grenades of protein until they are cool to touch.

For best slicing/mashing results, I transfer the eggs back into their container and into the fridge until I am ready to devil them (at least an hour or two).

EASY PEASY SHELL REMOVAL

You’re on your own. I don’t know any sorcery (YET) to make this a painless process. Someone, please enlighten me on this one.

HOW TO MAKE A GHETTO PASTRY BAG:

1. Get a Ziploc sandwich bag.

2. Scoop the yolk mixture into the bag.

3. Squeeze all the air out of the bag, and twist so that all the yolk is gathered into one of the bottom tips, then snip the tip.

4. Snip according to how big of an opening you want (this will control how much yolk comes out and the finished look really impresses people, for some reason).

5. For deviled eggs, 1/4″ snip is a good way to go

BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ACTION

Pipe the yolks into your deliciousness delivery system (aka egg whites) and dust with paprika. Stand back to admire your work before it is devoured by your friends and family.

Vegan Dessert Doesn’t Have To Suck

And it doesn’t even need to contain a ton of sugar.

Wait, what?

No, seriously. You can make delicious and nutritious vegan desserts without sugar and that taste GOOD. They look something like this:

Berry & Apple Cobbler with Banana Ice “Cream”

Yes, witchcraft such as this is possible. Expecto Veganum Dessertis!

I was just as embarrassed to write that as you were to read it. Oh well, they can’t all be winners. Moving on…

The best thing about this dessert is that it’s easy to prepare, takes only about 10 minutes to prep and around 40 minutes to bake. Ice cream takes a little longer to set up, but trust me, it’s worth it.

Banana Make Tarzan Scream

4 bananas, cut into approximately 1″ – 1.5″ chunks

1 vanilla bean, split and scraped (or, if you’re not into work, 1-2 tsps of vanilla extract)

Seriously, that’s it. This makes my inner lazy kitty purr with joy. However, you’re going to need a few pieces of equipment to make this work, so before you get all happy, make sure you have the following in your kitchen:

Standard Equipment & Weaponry

One (1) food processor – I like to process this in small batches using my Cuisinart Mini-Prep, as it allows me to control the consistency a bit better, but any size processor is fine, with the regular blade.

One (1) knife for cutting bananas, or, in a pinch, one (1) finger with one (1) opposable thumb (it works the best if they’re on the same hand). You don’t want to be processing whole bananas in your Cuisinart. Especially if someone of the male variety is watching. That’s just mean.

One (1) cookie sheet covered with wax paper, or, if you’re extra schmancy, a Silpat

One (1) freezer <– Vitally important piece of equipment, unless you like banana goo. And if you do, hey, no judgement.

Directions

1. Slice bananas, and arrange artistically, like so:

Pre Goo-ed Bananas

2. Lay bananas out on your waxed cookie sheet (or Silpat). Cover loosely with plastic wrap and store in the freezer until they become dangerous if thrown (about 3-4 hours).

3. After sufficient time has passed, remove from the freezer and let them warm up a tad on the counter (about 10 minutes) before your next step. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but just trust me, ok?

4. Time for the extra frightening part. You’re going to put these little rockets of frozen-death-if-chucked into your food processor and press “on.” It’s going to sound HORRIBLE. I’m warning you now, so you don’t send me angry emails tomorrow. I did not break your food processor. You did not break your food processor. Have you ever made ice cream from scratch? No? Well, it sounds about the same. Turn the food processor off approximately every 90 seconds to scrape down the sides and test the consistency. You’re going to want to work quickly, as the bananas will start to melt very quickly once they’re being whipped up. Drizzle in your vanilla extract (or the scraped insides of your vanilla bean, if you’re extra cool) about halfway through the process.

5. Once you have the consistency of soft serve (in the past, I’ve found this takes about 5-6 rounds of the 90 second pulses), scoop into a container and get it back into the freezer until ready to serve.

6. When ready to serve, let warm on the counter for 2-3 minutes, then scoop like regular ice cream. Voila!

FUN & DELICIOUS MIX-INS

1. Macadamia nuts & cacao nibs (obviously, these should be folded in after you have blended the bananas)

2. Peanut, almond, or pecan butter. Especially pecan butter. Because, oh-my-GOD, it’s PECAN BUTTER.

3. Honey & crushed lavender (Yes, I know honey isn’t vegan, but…well, yeah, I love honey).

4. Maple syrup and then put this puppy in a waffle cone. Of course this dramatically increases your sugar and carb intake and thus negates the superior feeling you get from having a healthy dessert, but it’s fun to be bad every once in awhile.

BADASS BERRY+APPLE COBBLER

Fruit filling:

1 basket (about 6 ounces) blackberries

1 basket (about 6 ounces) raspberries

2 large Fuji or Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and diced to the size of the berries

2 tbsp stevia or blackstrap molasses (or honey, if you’re okay with going non-vegan)*

Crumbly topping:

1 1/2 cups rolled oats (I use gluten free oats from Trader Joe’s)

1/2 cup chopped nuts (I like pecans, as evidenced by above, but slivered almonds or peanuts taste pretty good too)

2 tbsp brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

1-2 tbsp coconut oil (it has the consistency of lard at room temperature, comes in a jar, and is one of the healthiest oils you can ingest. Plus, dude, it’s coconut. Ummm, YUM).

Preparation:

Preheat your oven to 375°.

Peel, core, and dice your apples to the same size as the berries. Combine all fruit and sweetener (whichever one you chose) into an ovenproof casserole dish. Generally, I use my Le Creuset bakeware that can hold anywhere from 16-20 ounces of food. If you have a Pyrex that’s about 8×8, or a round casserole that’s 9″, that will work.

In another mixing bowl, thoroughly stir together all the crumble ingredients EXCEPT the coconut oil. Now for the fun and slightly messy part. Drop your coconut oil in by the teaspoonful (it’s 3 teaspoons to a tablespoon folks), so it looks like you have little snowballs of coconut goodness sitting on top of your oat mixture. Now get in there with your hands and squish the coconut oil through the oats until it starts to form clumps. If it isn’t clumping up, continue to add teaspoons until you get the right consistency (I’ve never had to use more than 2 tbsp total, and really recommend you don’t try. It’ll end up an oily mess that will probably smell like a Hawaiian Tropic bikini contest). You will have something that looks like this:

Berries before they have been cobbled.

Crunchy delicious topping!

Press the crumble topping on to the berries, pop in the oven and bake for approximately 35-40 minutes or until brown on top. Remove and let cool for 10 minutes before scooping. Top with your banana ice cream and BOOM. DESSERT.

And remember, THIS is what you get to enjoy:

Someone’s going to be happy with you. Especially you.

So remember boys and girls, follow these instructions, and you too can have a vegan dessert that tastes like this:

Yeah, it’s pretty much like spotting a unicorn frolicking with Lucky the Leprechaun and Tinker Bell on a bed of hundred dollar bills. But I don’t want to oversell this. Try it for yourself.

* A note about stevia, agave nectar, and sweeteners in general: If they are processed and/or come in packets, they have a tendency to suck as badly as sugar. And seriously, just avoid anything that comes in blue, yellow, or pink packets. That shit comes straight from hell. If at all possible, buy pure stevia extract powder from a purveyor like Amazon or Vitamin Shoppe, and READ all the information from the seller carefully. Because a lot of sweeteners (even supposedly “healthful” ones) are still highly refined and processed, this is why I’ve chosen to stick with honey that I get from my local farmers’ market, or blackstrap. You do what’s right for you, your family, and your respective neuroses.

Garden Vegetable Lasagna – I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Meat!

Just a little background – I have a thing for Stouffer’s vegetable lasagna. It’s kind of a mind-blowing carb and cream laden, gluten, processed glory that proves that, given enough effort, vegetables can be even more unhealthy than a Sloppy Joe made with 3 kinds of meat, Manwich, on a buttered roll. With cheese.

Obviously, Stouffer’s doesn’t really fit into my new world where gluten and most of the chemicals in processed food literally makes me sick.

But I still love vegetable lasagna. So I guess it’s time to make my own. So far, here’s what I’ve got:

1 package brown rice lasagna noodles (Have you ever tried brown rice pasta? No? WHY NOT? Stop reading and go get some. Now. I’ll wait.)

Back? Ok, moving on…

16 oz part skim ricotta cheese

1 egg, scrambled

1/4 cup sage, chiffonade

1/4 cup oregano leaves

1 bulb garlic, cloves separated and roasted*

1 red bell pepper, sliced

1 yellow bell pepper, sliced

1 green bell pepper, sliced

1 medium onion, chopped

1 roma tomato, sliced into medium rounds

1 head broccoli, cut into florets

3 large carrots, sliced

1/4 cup lemon juice

4 tbsp olive oil, divided into 1 tbsp portions

2-3 tbsp Balsamic vinegar (the more aged, the better)

1 jar Classico Spicy Red Pepper Marinara Sauce

3 tbsp salt, + salt to taste

pepper to taste

Still with me? Did you run to the store to buy everything and now want to kill me because you have a ton of vegetables to chop? Oh…you went to the frozen section and bought the ready sliced packages of peppers, onions, broccoli, and carrot so you’d save an assload† of time. Well, look at you go, Smarty-pants.

If you took the shortcut:

1. Let the frozen food thaw in the sink for about 1 hour, or defrost in the microwave on 50% power for approximately 2 minutes.

2. Take 10-12 garlic cloves from your jar of ready peeled garlic and prep your roasting packing for the oven (directions below).

3. Grab a beer and smirk at your friend who has to chop all of his own vegetables.

If you like getting ripped from chopping produce:

1. Thoroughly wash and dry all of your veggies. Except garlic. It comes in its own disposable wrapper.

* ROASTING GARLIC

1. Preheat the oven to 400º

2. Peel off the outer, most papery layers of the garlic.

3. Take out your aggression: cup the bulb in your hand so that the top/pointed part fits into your palm, and the root end is facing down. Now SMACK that sucker as hard as you can on a cutting board. Seriously, do it. All of the cloves will fall apart. Magic!

4. Peel garlic (here’s the easiest way: chop off a tiny bit of each end, then crack the skins by pressing down with the flat of your knife, slips right off like a negligee).

5. Place garlic clove in the center of a square of aluminum foil. Drizzle with 1 tbsp of olive oil and dust with fresh cracked pepper. Then seal the foil, creating a garlicky love packet.

6. Place on the center rack and roast for 25 minutes.

Yeah, I suppose you can cut off the top, leave the cloves in the skins and roast it that way too, but my way is less mess, no stress, and easier to use later on.

But back to veggies…

1. While the garlic is roasting, slice the onion and bell peppers into thin 2 inch strips.
2. If you have a mandolin, slice the broccoli and carrots (carrots on a bias, or “angle” or “diagonal” or “look it up on Google if this is still confusing”) using a thick slice setting. If you need to do this by hand, cut carrots on a bias about ¼” thick, chop broccoli into florets, then slice vertically to create “cross sections.”
3. Slice the tomato into thin rounds (as thin as you can – think of how it looks on a margherita pizza. Mmmm…pizza…)

THE PRACTICAL GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR SAUTE ON:

1. Get out a nonstick pan (I am a staunch supporter of Calphalon)
2. Place on the stove, add 1 tbsp of oil§
3. Heat over MEDIUM (higher than a simmer, lower than full blast)
4. When the oil runs like water around the pan, toss in the onions, turn the heat down to simmer and dust with salt to draw out some of the moisture.
5. Resist stirring for 3 minutes. RESIST IT! I know you can do it. Go prepare your ricotta or drink a glass of wine.
6. 3 minutes gone? Ok, NOW you can stir. See how it’s starting to get translucent but not burnt? HOORAY – that’s the window to deliciousness forming. Go ahead and add your peppers, stir and let cook for a further 5 minutes, stirring occasionally so nothing burns.
7. Remove from heat and repeat the same process for the carrots and broccoli (add carrots before broccoli, use the same timing as the onions/peppers above).
8. After turning off the heat on the carrots and broccoli, toss with your chopped fresh oregano (or sprinkle and toss with dried, but use a lighter touch…dried is stronger).

MAKING RICOTTA MIND BLOWINGLY SCRUMPTIOUS

1. Scramble 1 raw egg in a medium mixing bowl (this helps hold the ricotta together and prevents it from becoming a runny mess)
2. Add 8 oz part skim ricotta cheese
3. Slice roasted garlic and toss in
4. Add finely minced fresh sage & pepper to taste
5. Stir until thoroughly combined

DELICIOUS FLAVOR LAYER BY LAYER

1. Spread about ¼ cup of marinara on the bottom of a 13×9 casserole dish. You can use canned sauce, like Classico (I prefer this because it has the least amount of processing and sugar for any store bought brand), or make your own (I’ll post my marinara recipe another time).
2. Cover with 1 layer of rice pasta lasagna noodles (if it says they need no prep and are oven ready, the package is LYING to you! Soften the noodles up in hot water (NOT boiling) for about 5-6 minutes.
3. Add broccoli and carrots
4. Noodles
5. Spread ricotta mixture, cover with  the pepper and onion mixture
6. Noodles
7. Sauce to cover the top
8. Sprinkle with a thin layer of shredded part skim mozzarella, then add rounds of roma tomato to the top.

Bake, uncovered, 35-40 minutes in a 350º oven. When you remove this mouth watering mountain of vegetable sensation, sprinkle with shreds of fresh basil. Let rest 10 minutes before cutting and serving.

VARIATIONS ON THE FLAVOR EXPLOSION

Here are some other vegetable combinations that make this awesome:

1. Marinated mushrooms (sauté 8 oz of baby bella or cremini mushrooms in 1 tbsp of olive oil, drizzle with balsamic vinegar, cook over medium high heat until the liquid from the shrooms is released and balsamic is absorbed).
2. Yellow squash and green zucchini (minimally pre-cook, no more than 2-3 minutes before adding, otherwise they’ll be too mushy)
3. Chopped asparagus, haricot verts, and spring peas

Here’s to your action packed evening of cooking!

† “assload” is a technical term.